Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

It is foolish for the moon to compete with the sun for the spotlight.

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.

God lives and works in history. The outward mythology changes, the inward truth remains the same.

What man really fears is not so much extinction, but extinction with insignificance.

We've come to know truths that we will never question: evil is real, and it must be opposed.

Everything I want to do is Illegal.

There’s only one moment in which you can arrive in time. If you’re not there, you’re either too early or too late.

The cafe windows wrapped all the way around the observation floor, which gave us a beautiful panoramic view of the skeleton army that had come to kill us.

I have news for you, there is no Superman (it’s up to us.)

The whole Disney thing is really interesting, in a way, how that's so permeated life and the world and the planet.