When people heckle me, I have the microphone. And the press has the microphone.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

Striving for social justice is the most valuable thing to do in life.

Kids, help your parents if they don't know how to use a smartphone.

O the anguish of the thought that we can never atone to our dead for the stinted affection we gave them.

Businessmen go down with their businesses because they like the old way so well they cannot change.

To her own heart it was a delightful affair, to her imagination it was even a ridiculous one, but to her reason, her judgment, it was completely a puzzle.

How can you stay so calm?" It helps if you're terrified.

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

Endorsed by Bob Jones, despite calling Mormonism a "cult".

If the ethical - that is, social morality- is the highest ... then no categories are needed other than the Greek philosophical categories.

Not only is the self entwined in society; it owes society its existence in the most literal sense.