Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

War is more than battles, and battles are more than violence.

I hate to complain...No one is without difficulties, whether in high or low life, and every person knows best where their own shoe pinches.

Love's a loaded gun and it shoots to kill.

What sense of superiority it gives one to escape reading some book which every one else is reading.

Longevity can't be the only test of love.

I think with new president Chris Pook of CART, he is very active and strong.

Leaders are like eagles... they don't flock. You'll find them one at a time.

A Single Generosity Enlarges the World.

I'm not arrogant enough to look back on my career and criticize my choices. It's really not my place.

it is the liberty that is the mother, not the daughter, of order.