Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

I've been asking around to find out what girls are into, " Eugene tells me, really pleased with himself. "So I'm gonna get a spray tan and make red-velvet cupcakes.

I liberate minds with my music. That's more important than liberating a few people from apartheid or whatever.

You can become a big master in chess only if you see your mistakes and short-comings. Exactly the same as in life itself.

W.S Merwin says "after three days of rain" and I write "After Twelve Days of Rain." I like his quietude. I admire his ability to be simple without being simplistic.

Love is something that we don't control. We have to be ourselves. You can be sexual, nonsexual, asexual, bisexual, or trisexual and it really doesn't have a lot to do with enlightenment.

Goddess of song, teach me the story of a hero.

It's okay not to be okay

He was one of those people things came easily to, but he did little to demonstrate that he deserved to be gifted.

The idea of making the industry live up to its legal responsibility is not going to die.

The only hope, or else despair Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre - To be redeemed from fire by fire.