When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

My mother used to say about gossipers " Don't worry about people talking about you, whilst they're talking about you they are leaving some other poor innocent soul alone

I do write all the time about - you tell me what your dreams are. What are you chasing? It's not impossible. Name it.

I love the way the American trade magazines never give anybody a bad review because they're afraid the advertising will be taken out. It's so hysterical.

...most of the time we were alone and mixing up our souls ever more and ever more till it would be terribly hard to say good-by.

God wants us to prosper. Our need, however, is to evaluate things as they should be evaluated - to esteem earthly things lightly - to put first things first.

I stay cool, and dig all jive, That's the way I stay alive. My motto, as I live and learn, is Dig and be dug In return.

Bad habits die hard...........❤ #livingforlove ❤ #rebelheart

Necessity can set me helpless on my back, but she cannot keep me there; nor can four walls limit my vision.

All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it to those around us.

Courage makes a man more than himself; for he is then himself plus his valor.