When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

When you are able to fill your mind with tranquility and inner peace, this world becomes very peaceful.

If you're not busy being born, you're busy dying.

Success is a strategy. Success is planned and also implemented, its never by accident, it's certainly not by chance either (so keep working it! )

If God came in and said "I want you to be happy for the rest of your life " what would you do?

Whatever you're thinking about is literally like planning a future event. When you're worrying, you are planning. When you are appreciating, you are planning...What are you planning?

I make such big efforts to forget things and I can't tell the story of my life because, thank God, I'm still living it.

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

What's the game coming to? Evidently the guys making all these rules never played the game of baseball.

Hearing loss is a terrible thing because it cannot be repaired.

A man finds room in the few square inches of the face for the traits of all his ancestors; for the expression of all his history, and his wants.