When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Don't forget to take care of your health as you push forward to bigger and better things in life. Without life, a great strategy for your dream would be absolutely meaningless.

I am in politics because of the conflict between good and evil, and I believe that in the end good will triumph.

I met Kanye. I'm starstruck, man, but I stayed away from that guy. I didn't want him to go on a rant, go off on me. He did it at his wedding.

Integrity has no need of rules.

I was thanking him for...well, for something I'm not sure I can explain even now. For showing me that something besides cruelty could be found in the world, I suppose.

It is a direction not a destination.

I wouldn't consider myself a so-called 'celebrity.' Arrrgh, for the love of God!

Childhood's over the moment you know you're going to die.

Don't fear death, fear the un-lived life

But of all nations in the world the English are perhaps the least a nation of pure philosophers.