What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Winning her heart again meant more than any championship.

When you're a crime reporter, you see the nub of what life's about, and you don't have much patience for the falsity of politics.

The mind reels at the multiplication of books intended to justify the author's promotion from assistant to associate professor.

A Tory minister can sleep in ten different women's beds in a week. A Labour minister gets it in the neck if he looks at his neighbour's wife over the garden fence.

My relationships have been well publicised in the past but I am just a normal guy, really.

My principal sin is doubt. I doubt everything, and am in doubt most of the time.

Having a home away from the media glare is important to world-class athletes.

The way to have a company that executes well is you have to execute well yourself.

Any time I sit down and write music, the first part of that is always centering myself and thinking about who I currently am.

Dreams, indeed, are ambition; for the very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream. And I hold ambition of so airy and light a quality that it is but a shadow's shadow.