What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

In order to get where you want to go in life, you have to Geeet!

My marriage and my families come certainly before my career.

There is no individual salvation without collective salvation

I hate and I love, and who can tell me why?

I am a documentarian of what I do.

This was all very early on, there was no romance between them then,[Adolf] Hitler was living with Geli Raubal and made a very big display over her, that she was his great love and so forth.

Trumpets! Can you bring your... uh... extracurricular tubing necessities next rehearsal?

Cats are like Baptists. You know they raise hell, but you can never catch them at it.

The private control of credit is the modern form of slavery.