Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Don't you miss it?" I say. "Being free."He laughs.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive them that trespass against us.

If you think you love me, then you don’t know what love is,' Gabriel said. 'Love has to be reciprocated for it to be real.

God bless you and utterly satisfy your heart...with Himself.

At Court, every one for himselfe. [At court, everyone for himself.]

Someone who gossips well has a reputation for being good company or even a wit, never for being a gossip.

The immediacy of public interaction is just unbeatable.

I don't think you can really, truly be the partner you want to be until you know on an absolute level that you are a complete person on your own.

I sit back on my bed cross-legged and find myself rubbing the smooth iridescent surface of the pearl back and forth against my lips. For some reason, it’s soothing. A cool kiss

To me hair dressing means shape. It's very important that the foundations should be right.