The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I started to drink heavily, comfortably caught in the tentacle-like clutches of alcohol.

I would advise young artists to paint as they can, as long as they can, without being afraid of painting badly.

The only reason I don't kill him," he remember the woman saying, her voice sounding like the scrape of iron against iron, a corrosion of vocal cords, "is because he's not important enough.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

Science is like literature, a continuing dialog among diverse and conflicting voices, no one ever wholly right or wholly wrong, but a steady conversation forever provisional and personal and living.

A nation becomes what its young people read in their youth. Its ideals are fashioned then, its goals strongly determined.

Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can't see either.

While no one can change events that occurred in the past, everyone can change attitudes and beliefs about them.

Dreams don't come true. Dreams are true.