Greg Proops Quotes

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never. And two, if you're selling ice cream.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.

No one is a natural - you have to work at being a natural.

Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.

We don't know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.

I think if you steal well, you're a genius. If you copy badly, you're a hack.

And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops.

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!

I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.

Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot.

I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.

Oh, I don't wear a bathing suit. I wear a tent when I go out.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society; to be delicious and to fit well.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I'm all for dropping lawyers into any war time situation.

In our world, all puns are beautiful and they are the highest form of comedy.

I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area.

If you do not find me funny, that is your problem and I am not going away.

I'm old and my knowledge is strictly horizontal.

People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.

President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps.

I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone's safety is protected.

My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It's our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn't care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.

Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'.

I would never advocate the use of dope because, you know, I'm not a professional athlete and I don't have access to the good stuff.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don't, you know, I can't worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

Contact lenses are for vain, weak-willed piglets who swan around showing off: 'Look everybody, I can see without spectacles. No one at first glance will ever assume I know how to surf the net.'

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

Don't say 'No,' say 'Gilbert,' ladies and gentlemen.

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

How would you like to make money in real estate?

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Tequila is like acid in a glass.

I wear glasses. That's how you'll know me. I am the speccy one.... And I am proud.

I see guys dressing like they're in college - and they're not. I don't want to be that guy.