The best thing about becoming successful is that you get flowers all the time.

I hate being mean. I watch those roasts on Comedy Central and they make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I think you figure out how to be funny by necessity. It's not a natural thing, being funny in the face of tragedy is kind of demented.

There was plenty of dysfunction in my family and I went to Catholic School with these psychotic nuns. I would always try to be funny to lighten the mood.

I think the obsession with wanting to change yourself is crazy over the top.

Be relentless and then you'll break through.

This whole generation of parents - I'm guilty of it too - does too much for their kids.

Going to Catholic school was what fueled me into comedy. The nuns were so brutal so I used to try to make my friends laugh.

I don't just want to be successful I want to have fun.

I think I knew I was funny in Elementary School. I think most funny people realize it when they're young. It tends to come out of stress or trauma - something that makes you want to be funny.

I've known lots of people that are talented and nothing happens. It's not about talent, it's relentless drive.

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic.

You're not free unless you come to the place where you have nothing to prove.

Most countries have only few honest politicians and this is just like having a body with only few good organs functioning!

It is not easy to let someone go, even when they have said unforgivable things to you.

Prejudices of any kind are the destroyers of human happiness & welfare.

I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous.

My reluctant charity shames both me and the recipient.

I'm a big supporter of the Second Amendment. But I think I have a First Amendment right not to be shot.

Whenever I get a tweet that's trying to promote a thing someone cares about, I'm like, "how annoying!"

I honestly believe I'd make one of the worst elected officials in the history of this country.