Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Papas should be loving their children so much that they cry when they gone. That’s what papas is supposed to do.

Fear is and has always been dead. It's how we picture it that makes fear come to life.

It is extremely Sad to think that while nature is talking, humankind is not listening.

Obama's plan for "change": Let's do everything Bush did, only with more suck! Because it just didn't suck badly enough the first time!

We are governed not by armies but by ideas.

As a life's work, I would remember everything - everything, against loss. I would go through life like a plankton net.

One more stage, one more limo, one more run for your life.

Thank God we're safe. What I anticipated on Sept. 11 was that we would be attacked many times between then and now, and we haven't been.

What we philosophers can do is just correct the questions.