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Satire Quote of the day
They tugged plans and ambitions out their as*es and held tight to the first that didn't smell so strongly of shit.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.
No, I say, it's fine.Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. Just great, I say. Really.
TWO AND TWO MAKES FIVE
An honest politician is an oxymoron.
Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman
The people heard it, and approved the doctrine, and immediately practiced the contrary.
It is proved...that things cannot be other than they are, for since everything was made for a purpose, it follows that everything is made for the best purpose.
He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend- provided of course he really is dead.
Oh, I hate the cheap severity of abstract ethics!
This work was strictly voluntary, but any animal who absented himself from it would have his rations reduced by half.
Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.
They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.
Windmill or no windmill, he said, life would go on as it had always gone on--that is, badly.
If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others?
People say satire is dead. It's not dead it's alive and living in the White House.
If they're from the village, you take them to the inn. If they're from the city, you treat them with respect when they are beautiful and throw them on the highway when they are dead.
What a pessimist you are!" exclaimed Candide."That is because I know what life is, " said Martin.
Provided that nothing like useful knowledge could be gained from them, provided they were all story and no reflection, she had never any objection to books at all.
Man is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight
[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class was to misrepresent the people in Parliament,
While pensive poets painful vigils keep, Sleepless themselves, to give their readers sleep.
I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.", May 16, 1767)
Never take life too seriously, you're never getting out of it alive.
I'm joking when I say I'm the grand-pop of those claiming to be an avatar-messiah or god. But if they're serious, then, I am who I am.
My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.
Make your life the greatest story ever told!
Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.
More often than not, you will never be judged by your intentions because the world can't read minds and very few will know the heart of a person they have not given time to know personally.
...they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve, and if you do, you never get the results you expected.
Being bored is the price we pay for not being insane.
We are loved way more by some of the people who have not contacted us in the last twelve or so months than we are loved by some of those who contact us every twelve or so days … or hours.
Most sane human beings’ chances of being alive in a thousand years’ time are a hundred times higher than their chances of being sincerely happy for at least ten consecutive days.
We all have problems. Or rather, everyone has at least one thing that they regard as a problem.
When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", he said, "I am mourning for my life.
My great-great grandfather and I were the best of friends, although we never met
And evolution wasn't even properly invented until the late 1800s. Is that enough time to get a Labrador retriever from a dire wolf? I think not.
Many a death was precipitated by the food, the job, or the medication whose main function was to postpone it.
One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.
General assumptions often lead to erroneous conclusions, but one cannot go far wrong in always assuming that whatever one's government is saying is a lie.
Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
The death of a billionaire is worth more to the media than the lives of a billion poor people.
I suppose that I found out two more constituents of the eternal engine: folly and curiosity.
The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.