Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Hey, Carlos, " the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?""It sucked.""Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks."It really sucked, " I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word.

Youth is something I never wanna take for granted. I just want to smile and live life.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I learned about the sacred art of self decoration with the monarch butterflies perched atop my head, lightning bugs as my night jewelry, and emerald-green frogs as bracelets.

Every virtue has its privilege: for example, that of contributing its own little bundle of wood to the funeral pyre of one condemned.

The silence grew deeper, so deep that if you listened carefully you might very well catch the sound of the earth revolving on its axis.

I like underwater pole vaulting, because you can have perfect form without the risk.

I assumed from the outset that photography was already art, and that I and other people working in photography were artists. I understand now that this was a minority point of view.

if you put your trust in God, you’ll be all right in the end.

You know what’s better than building things up in your imagination? Building things up in real life.