Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

To know much and taste nothing-of what use is that?

You are the monster I claim, mein Herr.

The poker fell from my trembling hands as my entire body shook with reaction. I fell to my knees, pressed my hands to my face and began to sob. What had I done?

It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.

I think that NATO is itself a war criminal.

I've been told that I'm the best looking brother. Yeah I'm pretty sure the other day some girl tweeted that I was the best looking Subban on Twitter.

As a kid, I loved Godot because of the poetry and the humor and the strangeness, but then as you get older, its much more resonant.

It's wonderful to win, but don't get cocky about it!

I still feel driven to try to make great shows and to make each episode great.