Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

The chaos of their voices registers as a single, overwhelming force cutting off her ability to reason, and all she wants is to get as far away from people as possible.

Whoever invented the word 'grace' must have seen the wing-folding of the plover.

The measure of our love for others can largely be determined by the frequency and earnestness of our prayers for them.

You can't live like a Bushman or an Aborigine anymore, so they've got to rethink the whole basis of how they're going to live. Permaculture helps you do that easily.

The worst thing that can happen to a man who gambles is to win

I don't want to be a strong hero who can save society. I just want to save myself.

If I ever get Manziel disease, I want all of you to smack me in the head with your microphones.

We just feel like we don't have the means, To rise above and beat it. So we keep waiting, Waiting on the world to change...

Let me draw your attention to one thing which unfortunately we always forget: that is - "O man, have faith in yourself."

There was the single abiding certainty that they would never be at a loss for things to carry.