The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Write about the beauty of rainbows and the glint of reflected light that can enlighten readers' minds.

It was only possible because it was attained. An Idea isn't feasible until it becomes reality

Every generation must recognize and embrace the task it is peculiarly designed by history and by providence to perform.

There is no playing safe with me any longer. I only take huge risks. I know this means I can lose big time, but so long as there is a chance that I will win big time, I will take it

A writer should never wait for inspiration but be the inspiration.

Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.

Fortunately, as we all know, it's impossible for anybody but Jimmy Smith to really sound like Jimmy Smith.

Writers who can't invent stories often substitute style for narrative. They remind me of the painter who couldn't paint people, so he painted chairs.

Too much is a vanity; enough is a feast.

Contentment is not happiness. Contentment is stagnation and decay, whereas happiness is life and growth.