For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

The positive vibrations of unregulated joy, peace, happiness and tranquility is freedom.

Fighting for peace, is like f***ing for chastity

It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

You got a child to feed and a life to get on with.

Every word of Holy Scripture was a love letter from God directed very personally to us and he asked us whether we loved Jesus.

The Federal Constitution forms a happy combination in this respect; the great and aggregate interests being referred to the national, the local and particular, to the state legislatures.

I pray every day, several times. It soothes me. I don't ask for anything, except for health.

When you’re a housekeeper’s daughter, you see the world through a half-open door.

I hold we cannot be said to be aware of our minds save under responsibility.

To treat life as less than a miracle is to give up on it.