My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Trust in God, the only wise God.

If you think you can't make time to invest into your life at once now, you will be compelled to make time to count your regrets one by one later. By all means, you'll make time... So, make it now!

I’m half crazy but I know the Devil real. I should know, I signed a record deal.

By the way, a gendarme assured me this is not a prison.

Wouldn't it be a tragedy to get to the top of the ladder and find you placed it against the wrong wall?

You can't plant a seed and pick the fruit the next morning.

I think if you love someone, you think that they're out of your league, of course. I go for the full package though, you know, like not everything is based on looks. I go for talent and funny.

The Muslim is as much an Indian as I am and of the same blood.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, and I'm wanted (want-ed...!) dead or alive.