Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is 'hair and unbalanced.'

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

It’s never an insult to be called what somebody thinks is a bad name. It just shows you how poor that person is, it doesn’t hurt you.

Do you want me to pretend that you are the AI?

To win you have to score one more goal than your opponent.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted Valentino to design my wedding dress. Valentino is the definition of timeless elegance. I don't think there's another couture house like it.

You can never loose a thing If it belongs to you.

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

Who knows what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves?

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

To be a hero you have to learn to be a deviant — because you're always going against the conformity of the group.

So our virtues lie in the interpretation of the time