People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Playing it safe might not have hurt anyone, but it wouldn’t have inspired many, either.

If you really want to be an effective time manager, you will have to learn to say no to other people and do so frequently.

My mom always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. And I truly, actually believed it. And I fought.

My painting represents the victory of the forces of darkness and peace over the powers of light and evil.

In the end, the secret to learning is so simple: Think only about whatever you love. Follow it, do it, dream about it...and it will hit you: learning was there all the time, happening by itself.

Forgetting is the mind's way of helping you heal. Helping you move on.

The rifle is the queen of weapons and its effective use is one of the greatest satisfactions available to man.

Compassion takes imagination.

A dog pours a pitcher of love into the lonesome spots of your life.

Blessed are the peacemakers on earth.