No government in the Middle East is innocent. Wars make the stock market go up, so no one in America is innocent either, nor anyone anywhere where capitalism reigns.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Don't wait for a reason to feel the joy. Life is for joy.

I still believe this Life is a good joke. And if you treat it that way, you will never stop laughing.

Self-Worth. Self-Love. Self-Esteem. Self-Motivation. Self-Confidence. All of these things equal Self-Empowerment. Always believe in yourself, even if nobody else does!

It is better to have ten skeletons in your closet, than walk with no bones.

You have been programmed, brainwashed to see life in very specific forms. Life is endless and we are a body of perception. We are an awareness that is endless. The universe is only perception.

The reality is that I feel that fear is a very spiritual emotion.

We must learn to distinguish morality from moralizing.

I have to do stand-up. I have to do something comedy-involved every day or else I will lose my mind. I already am, but I would go more nuts.

I'm trying to keep up with what's happening in this turbulent world.

Henceforth I ask not good fortune. I myself am good fortune.