My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Little things done with love are better than big things without love.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

The slice of time has become enormous in importance, and its hidden meaning is now perfectly plain, though so complex that it can hardly be written down.

There are various, nay, incredible faiths; why should we be alarmed at any of them? What man believes, God believes.

My mother always told me that as you go through life, no matter what you do, or how you do it, you leave a little footprint, and that's your legacy.

There should be full engagement to protect our country from a grave threat, which is the weakest foreign policy since Jimmy Carter.

In all great leaders there is a purpose and intensity which is unmistakable.

Without knowing every single detail in a man's life, we cannot judge whether he is a good person or not!

Peace is a desire, war is a fact; and history has never paid heed to human desires and ideals.

You know, when you're real and speak your truth (in respectful ways), people won't always like you. But you'll like you.