My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Any damn fool can beg up some kind of job

Blot out his name, then, record one lost soul more,   One task more declined, one more footpath untrod, One more devils’-triumph and sorrow for angels,   One wrong more to man, one more insult to God!

My imagination is so far out there already. People couldn't imagine what goes on in my brain.

Anything done for the first time unleashes a demon.

I grew up like a boy, also because most of the children who came to our house were boys.

What a terrible thing life can be.

I only knew basic western trail riding. Nothing fancy.

The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it.

Fame is indeed beautiful and benign and gentle and satisfying, but happiness is something at once tender and brilliant beyond all things.

You truly do reap what you sow, so that makes it so important for us to learn to love each other in the here and now.