Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.

It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.

Beware: open-mindedness will often say, 'Everything is permissible except a sharp opinion.

The only time I even entertain the tiniest element of religion is for Christmas carols.

It is easy to work when the soul is at play.

I sacrificed my anonymity for my father, whereas he sacrificed me for his fame.

When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'

Talon glanced wistfully at his drink as he debated what should take priority. 'Coffee... Daimons... Coffee... Daimons...

What else is soul but a listener?

You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.