Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Search deep within your soul, you will find the light.

The percentage of people qualifying for federal disability benefits because they are unable to work rose from 0.7 percent of the size of the labor force in 1960 to 5.3% in 2010.

Every time I opened my mouth, flame licked up my throat. I could have razed vil­lages, kid­napped princesses.

The errors of young men are the ruin of business, but the errors of aged men amount to this, that more might have been done, or sooner.

One thing you can't miss in your suitcase is a hat.

You cannot cut your way to deficit reduction.

I feel about 18, but my mind is much more mature now, so it's a perfect combination.

I wasnt particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny.

Whether it's right or wrong, fight for what you believe in.

He that unburied lies wants not his hearse, For unto him a tomb's the Universe.