Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

My favorite foods are things that aren't great to eat, like pizza.

Of man's miraculous mistakes, this bears The palm, "That all men are about to live."

Everything in my life was luck.

He would say that God had given him a tail to keep the flies off, but that he would sooner have had no tail and no flies.

A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean question: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill?

Pleasured equally In seeking as in finding, Each detail minding, Old Walt went seeking And finding.

For too many, the dream of economic mobility has been replaced with a nightmare of economic stagnation.

I just like to talk to people. I don't know how to bridge the gap between getting to know someone and then schmoozing and sort of working contacts and business connections.

I know that the arms of friendship are long enough to reach from the one end of the world to the other

Inspiration is the richest nation I know, the most powerful on earth. Sexual energy Freud calls it; the capital of desire I call it; it pays for both mental and physical expenditure.