It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Do you think we find Jesus, or does He find us?

I race to win, not to please people

You see, death is not the grave as many people think. It is another phenomenized form of life.

It is not that which is beautiful that pleases us, but that which pleases is is called beautiful.

Art always demands of us something new.

If the Palestinian Olympic Committee or Palestinian Federation provide good facilities to the athletes then maybe I can become better than these Bahraini or Qatari athletes.

If you do not transform your wounds you will transmit them.

Very few persons go through life without at least one big chance. The fact that so many do not grasp it is due more often to fear than to any other one thing.

People still think of me as a cartoonist, but the only thing I lift a pen or pencil for these days is to sign a contract, a check, or an autograph.

I've always played strong women who are doing their own thing.