It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Just consider how terrible the day of your death will beOthers will go on speaking and you will not be able to argue back

The moon teaches us that darkness can’t hide the beauty of life if we know how to reflect beauty.

The music of the future will not entertainIt's only meant to repress and neutralize your brain

We had a very good number of mayors participate this year. All the mayors rode out with regular volunteers as well as members of our advisory council and our board members.

Room to swing a cat, it seemed was absolutely essential. It was an infrequent but indispensable operation.

I just love clothes! I'm a girl who loves clothes, accessories, shoes, bags and jewelry.

If we read the words and attitudes of the past through the pompous "wisdom" of the considered moral judgments of the present, we will find nothing but error.

Memory is an act of meaning-making. It collects the disparate pieces of our lives and distills them.

My parents were extremely reluctant. When my father was clearly dying, my mother refused to acknowledge it.

In place of equal respect, the nation offered women the Miss America beauty pageant, established in 1920-the same year women won the vote.