It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I happen to dig being able to use whatever mystique I have to further the idea of peace.

And sometimes the question that you pose or the project that you start yourself turns into something else, you know, but at least it gets you started.

I'm not afraid of anything. My two favorite colors are lime green and hot pink. I mean, I really like pink. And I don't care who knows it. I'm already married, sooo...

The U.S. Constitution is the basic framework for the greatest democracy on Earth. Some of my colleagues find it easy to amend it. I don't.

It really bothers me when I see people doing my mother in drag. I mean, just imagine if you saw people doing that with your mother.

You know what I gave to Russia? You know what I gave? Nothing.

There were several ways of understanding her: there was what she said, and there was what she meant, and there was something between the two, that was neither.

Do we really need another picture of Paris Hilton or Naomi Campbell?

As an inclusive quality, imagination is thus our primary force for progress, whatever progress is.

Christ is our temple, in whom by faith all believers meet.