It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Run away from laziness; work hard. Touch intuition and listen to the heart, not marketing directors. Dream.

The Stuart sovereigns of England steadily attempted to strengthen their power, and the resistance to that effort caused an immense growth of Parliamentary influence.

Man is what his dreams are.

Excessive sensibility is only another name for morbid self-consciousness.

Bodies do not produce sensations, but complexes of elements (complexes of sensations) make up bodies.

War is the father of all things.

I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.

The value of tolerance is central to living in today's world - especially in diverse places like the Bronx.

I try not to be too optimistic or pessimistic. If you're a pessimist then that's depressing all the time; if you're an optimist and things don't work out then that's depressing, too.