Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

And I could have died right then. And considering how things went, I really should have.

Sometimes, life isn't about what you want to do but what you ought to do.

I'm lonely like Adam and you're evil like Eve.

You have to be mentally strong to withstand the ridicule of other children and the stares of adults.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I would rather live in Russia on black bread and vodka than in the United States at the best hotels. America knows nothing of food, love or art.

Be mindful of clickbait - sensational stories designed to humiliate. Click with compassion.

Now, after divorce with Tom Cruise, I can wear heels.

The world lies in the hands of those that have the courage to dream and who take the risk of living out their dreams - each according to his or her own talent.

Always work harder than other people are willing to work. Sweat more, endure more pain, and then reap the rewards of success and achievement.