In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

A thought is a Cosmic Order waiting to happen.

There is no romance without finance.

Recollection is the only paradise from which we cannot be turned out.

To understand me, you have to meet me...

The belly has no ears nor is it to be filled with fair words.

You can only breathe out if you breathe in.

After love a formal feeling comes.

What's the point of thinking about how it's going to end when it's just the beginning?

Our goal is to develop our team, to earn what we get, to learn, to develop unselfish attitudes. If we achieve that, the results is that we'll win.