Greg Giraldo Quotes

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."