In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You can't be a man and a coward at the same time.

I go through challenges, obstacles, and struggles just like everyone else out there, but I handle them with the right mental attitude, and this is why I am always happy and positive with my life.

When they laugh, it sounds like confetti.

If I do find myself walking up the aisle and dancing at my own wedding reception, I want the first dance to be both spontaneous and dramatic.

When men die, they enter history. When statues die, they enter art. This botany of death is what we call culture.

A genuine, affectionate smile is very important in our day-to-day lives.

If he could only see how small a vacancy his death would leave, the proud man would think less of the place he occupies in his lifetime.

There are always protests, whether you do something good or bad. Even if you do something beneficial, people say you do it because it's advertising.

Friday means popcorn and multiplexes, speaking of movies, and it is the multi that is the problem. So many movie screens. The struggle of what to put on them.

Even when I am writing I usually take a break around lunchtime and go for a little walk to clear out my head.