If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

It's better to dare to dream big and achieve half of your dreams than to dream small dreams and achieve all

We don't own life, we live under a rental agreement which can be terminated at anytime without notice.

How big can we get before we get bad?

The tears I have cried over Germany have dried. I have washed my face.

We should throw the Epistle of James out of this school.

Because I'm so hands on here at work and always looking at fabrics you have to be mobile and as comfortable as possible.

In this earth, in this immaculate field, we shall not plant any seeds except for compassion, except for love.

As a footballer I can't imagine life without the use of one of my legs... Sadly this is exactly what happens to thousands of children every year when they accidentally step on a landmine.

One precedent in favor of power is stronger than a hundred against it.

No brain is stronger than its weakest think.