If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Intelligence is the wife, imagination is the mistress, memory is the servant.

I'm not cruisin' this opportunity in time and space for you to like or dislike my 'get-down'

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

If you're not trying to be real, you don't have to get it right. That's art.

My mom is practically my stylist. My mom's amazing, she's like everything woman.

I believe the novella is the perfect form of prose fiction.

There is a sort of Neo-Confederate thread that runs through these sort of pro-gun movements and the NRA movement.

I and life: The case was settled chivalrously. The opponents parted without having made up.

[People] want to feel superior, so they imagine we're Bible thumpers and uneducated and all that.

Hope is not found in a way out but a way through.