If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Don't turn over the rocks if you don't want to see the pale creatures who live under them.

Isolation is the one sure way to human happiness.

There were a couple of things I needed to do while I was in New York. One was to have a pizza pie, one was to get a tattoo... and the other was to get a Yankees hat.

I just don't feel like I'm old. I still feel like I've got a lot of years, a lot to give in this game, and I'm able to do it because I love to work.

Children should not be used as pawns in a political fight.

Lasting happiness starts with one question...what can I celebrate?

It's so funny - my mom when I am dating someone new, all she will get is the name, first and last, and within an hour, I will get an entire life report of the person.

True collaborative, nurturing, and safe power is a combining of forces that can only happen on a pretty small scale.

I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me.

I don't live through my kids. But I do know what will happen in life, and I just want them well prepared.