I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

To assess the quality of thoughts of people, don't listen to their words, but watch their actions.

Adequate photographers use their sight, good photographers use their senses, and great photographers use their souls.

Life without risk is a life that is benign and sterile.

Insofar as international law is observed, it provides us with stability and order and with a means of predicting the behavior of those with whom we have reciprocal legal obligations.

Beyond the rudiments, it is up to the artist to create art, not the camera.

It's no longer about pitching the Today Show. It's about creating content that will attract the Today Show.

Nature of course is the best guide in the matter of choosing a pursuit.

There are no plans in President-elect [Donald] Trump's policies moving forward to touch Medicare and Social Security.

I think we've been a lot more disciplined with our bowling. Our batting at times has been more disciplined as well.

There is no greater disease than the loss of hope.