I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Those who complain much get little, those who complain little get much.

Tears are the safety value of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it .

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Don't marry the person you think you can live with marry only the individual you think you can't live without.

I'm a little vague on the details but aren't doughnuts just the most marvellous thing to ever come out of organised religion?

Pity a thing often avowed, seldom felt; hatred is a thing often felt, seldom avowed.

I feel like Hollywood would rather end the emerging, bottom-up creative culture than let it happen.

Never confuse activity with action.

My children are babies and my husband has scarcely half an hour in 24 to give me.

Only aim to do your duty, and mankind will give you credit where you fail.