I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

The judge like a great ponderous djinn stepped through the fire and the flames delivered him up as if he were in some way native to their element.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I don't know if anybody's ever ready for another award season. It's kind of like Christmas.

Money, like vodka, turns a person into an eccentric.

There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it.

I have always thought that there is no more fruitful source of family discontent than a housewife's badly cooked dinners and untidy ways.

If you are in love-that's a good thing-that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone.

I'm not looking for Miss Right, right now. I'm just sort of working on becoming Mr. Right.

If you would have peace, genuine peace, you must accept all the aspects of your personality and learn to be comfortable with them.

Experience trumps brilliance.