I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Worrying Never Stops a Problem but a Problem Ceases when you Refuse to Worry

From cradle to grave, Talal sprinted through life.I never did see a life extinguished so abruptly.

Listen to your heart in silence and peace, as through fear you only channel fear.

The compact which exists between the North and the South is a covenant with death and an agreement with hell.

I've always liked older ladies. I'm comfortable with it. They seem to be nice. They've seen it all.

Beware of the beginnings of vice. Do not delude yourself with the belief that it can be argued against in the presence of the exciting cause. Nothing but actual flight can save you.

Who would have thought that the telephone would bring back drawing?

Showing kindness to others is one of the nicest things we can do for ourselves.

There's power when you call on God, you ask Him, and you invite Him into your life. God will be in your life as much as you allow Him to.

Libraries can take the place of God.