I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Treat your anger with the utmost respect and tenderness, for it is no other than yourself.

I was made for the library, not the classroom. The classroom was a jail of other people's interests. The library is open, unending, free.

If a woman is comfortable with herself, I think that's what radiates. I think the moment you start questioning your body and looks is when you get into trouble.

Nothing is more honest than a dream.

Never let oneself be guided by the opinion of one's contemporaries. Continue steadfastly on one's way.

Right now, more people enjoy movies, music, television and movies than they do video games.

As soon as you feel too old to do a thing, do it.

We do not get ice-cream every where, and so, when we do, we are apt to dissipate to excess.

There is no choice between being kind to others, and being kind to ourselves. It is the same thing.

The legacy of American socialism is our blighted inner cities, dysfunctional inner city school and broken black families.