I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

People wonder why I always dress professionally. I want to be admired for my intelligence, instead of my body.

Organize one's values in the order of their worth

...I watch her so much that I forget it's raining at all.

If you think about something for long enough,' she explained, 'more than likely, that thing will happen.' She tapped her head. 'It's all in the mind.

If you want to play a cool punk club, that's great - but punk clubs don't have any toilet seats. After a while, little things like that become big issues.

no' when no one answered, Derek looked from face to face, then settled his glower in me. 'absolutely not.' 'um, I was the one keeping my mouth shut' I said.

I'm at the age most people are sending their kids off to college.

I don't mind a gut. In fact, I would prefer a guy to have a gut than be too built.

There is a great difference between shooting a photograph and making a photograph.

I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill.