I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

The first step to Happiness is deciding exactly what kind of life you want. That kinda comes from experience.

Not all beaches are fun and sunscreen.

The best way to win at a game of chance is to remove chance from the equation.

It is obvious that while science is struggling to bring Heaven to earth some men are using its materials in the construction of Hell.

As the flint contains the spark, unknown to itself, which the steel alone can awaken to life, so adversity often reveals to us hidden gems, which prosperity or negligence would forever have hidden.

I never understood the point of being sad when I could choose to be happy

He who cannot look over a battlefield with a dry eye, causes the death of many men uselessly.

May we awaken from forgetfulness and realize our true home.

A willing mind makes a hard journey easy.

There are consequences to letting people live out whatever wants or passions they desire.