I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The truth is often so much more complicated than the digest version that's handed down to us.

Miniskirts have become quite a fad. They're even some guys wearing them. Don't laugh, if you had thought to of that, you'd not be here now.

The challenge throughout has been to tell what I view as the truth about racism without causing disabling despair.

Jack Kerouac influenced me quite a bit as a writer... in the Arab sense that the enemy of my enemy was my friend.

The world's idea of greatness is to rule, but Christian greatness consists in serving.

God created a path to his kingdom that is simple and straight. The obstacles that stand between you and God were created by man.

One of our nation's greatest leaders of all time was Hubert Horatio Hornblower.

I like going to schools and telling classes that when I was a child, I failed every "will this kid become a writer" test.

Two heads are better than one only if they contain different opinions.

Marketing is neither good nor evil.