I think Mitch Hedberg is one of the great comedians of the past 20 years.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

...it's most important to accept that your yoga poses may not look like everyone else's. That's okay. Just adapt the poses to your current state of being.

The game is not worth the candle.

I dont know that there is one serious American representative that will advise Israel to sit with a terrorist government and negotiate with them.

After following the crowd for a while, I'd then go 180 degrees in the exact opposite direction. It always worked for me.

Girl, he wants to dip you in Frosted Flakes and have you for breakfast. That's his favorite cereal, by the way." I...had no words for that.

I think the worst kind of grief is unacknowledged grief.

The 'Main Street' retailers ... see customers come to the store to locate items ... only to leave and order the items over the Internet just to escape the sales tax.

A train of thought is never false. The falsehood lies deep in the necessities of existence.

If you care about the people you work with then you work harder

The fundamental deception of Satan is the lie that obedience can never bring happiness.