I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Always take massive imperfect action towards your goals because the timemight never be “just right”.

sometimes life isn’t worth the pain. i’m going for a swim. goodbye, my love.

The human mind is capable of excitement without the application of gross and violent stimulants

Being funny, in some ways, is about being connected to psychology.

Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy. That's my life motto.

Things do exist that are worth standing up for without compromise. To me it seems that peace and social justice are such things, as is Christ himself.

Sometimes the subconscious mind manifests a wisdom several steps or even years ahead of the conscious mind, and has its own way of leading us toward our destiny.

But no earthly foot can step between a man and his destiny.

When you are reading a book in a dark room, and come to a difficult part, you take it to a window to get more light. So take your Bibles to Christ.

He's all my exercise, my mirth, my matter.